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October 15

It seems like an odd thing to talk about the day after such an amazing day: celebrating our little man turning 1, but it is what it is. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It's hard to let it pass me by without saying something. I spent a long time living with shame and guilt. Even after getting pregnant with Kenzie, I experienced that shame.

I am 1 in 4. I suffered an (early) miscarriage during our first pregnancy. That's right. Kenzie wasn't actually our first pregnancy. I was due May 10, 2012 with a baby. I will always remember that day. I remember the happy feelings, the excitement, and the fear that came with a first pregnancy.

Our happiness didn't last long though. Two weeks to the day after we found out... I started bleeding. Any bleeding in pregnancy is cause for concern but this wasn't just a little bit of blood. There was a lot of pain and with it came a lot of guilt. I might have only been 6 weeks pregnant, but there was a baby. A baby that I realized I would never get to know (on Earth at least).

The miscarriage lasted a few days. My mom came into town to support me. Steven came home from work immediately when I left work that day. I cried. Steven cried. We leaned on each other and we eventually worked through it. On the surface, I was fine. I told everyone I was fine. I reasoned that there must have been something wrong with the baby and that is why God decided to give it wings before I was even able to meet him or her. He or she was just too special for this earth. Three months later I was pregnant with Kenzie. Again, I was nervous. This time... It was to the utmost degree. I wasn't just nervous. I was terrified. I was also excited but I must admit that I never fully enjoyed my pregnancy like many women may do because I knew the risks all too well. In the end, Kenzie was born at 37 weeks and was happy and healthy.

You would think that would be the end of the story. Once I delivered one healthy baby, it would all be okay. Truth be told, I don't think I will ever have the opportunity to fully enjoy a pregnancy because the fear will always be there. I know, because I lived with the same fears during my pregnancy with Will.

It isn't fair. I spent a lot of time angry. I was angry with myself. What if this was my fault? Did I lift something too heavy? Did I not take prenatals early enough? I spent time angry with God. Why would He let this happen? I've come to terms with it. I know now that it was what was meant to happen.While I may never fully understand why, I believe whole-heartedly that there is a reason for everything. Without my miscarriage, we wouldn't have Kenzie or Will. That baby may never meet us earthside, but I know we will meet him or her one day. That baby was just too beautiful for this earth. He or she gets to fly with the angels now.

On this October 15th I will remember my baby, as well as the many other babies that have been taken too soon. Miscarriage has long been a taboo subject, but with more and more people speaking out we are helping to lift the veil on this scary situation. Talking it out more might have helped at the time. Maybe I would have processed my feelings sooner. I fully believe that we need to support one another and miscarriage shouldn't be something that is only mourned behind closed doors. We need to break the silence.

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