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Saying Goodbye to Nursing

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About 2 years ago I wrote a post documenting my breastfeeding relationship with Kenzie. To this day, that post remains as one of the most popular on the blog. I always chalk it up to a combination of curiosity on the part of anyone that hasn't been directly involved with a nursing baby or people that also nursed babies and might be like me... Curious to hear about others' experiences to see if you can gain any insight or tips. 

Now, 2 years later, I might be jumping the gun on this related post just a bit... But I don't think I am. See, while Will is still getting breastmilk, the nature of our breastfeeding relationship has changed drastically (and suddenly) in the last week. In all honesty, it has been a heartbreaking time for me. Just as I did when I had so many issues nursing Kenzie at the beginning of her little life, I have shed many a tear over the end of this relationship. 

Let me explain. 

One would think that I have been a mommy long enough to learn that things can't always be planned. You would think that I would know that I am not always in control. And while I do know that, I am not happy to admit defeat. Ever. Let me back and up explain my nursing relationship with Will. Will was my champion nurser. Day one, he could latch and he WANTED to nurse. It was so different from Kenzie (plus, I had prior experience so I had a leg up). I just knew that we would be like old pros soon and that this would be an easy relationship to maintain. We had a few issues with his blood sugar before we left the hospital, but we powered through and for many, many months we worked together to keep a happy baby. Will liked to eat. He ate every 1.5-2 hours all day (and night) long. Anyone that knows us well, likely knows that he didn't sleep through the night until just about a week and a half ago and a lot of that was because we night weaned him. He wasn't actually nursing at night anymore. He would latch, nurse for about 2 minutes and be ready to go back into his bed. It told me that he was just doing it out of habit and we could wean him. No problem. He was fine with it. In all honestly, as time went on and he got older, I noticed that he went from being a nursing monster to just nursing long enough to be full and move on. It became less about comfort for him as he got older. That should have meant that we continued on until a year and then he weaned with no issues. But Will had his own plans. 

About 4 days ago, Will decided that nursing was no longer going to work for him. All of a sudden he started refusing to nurse. I don't just mean that he would latch and unlatch or anything. I mean he full on pitched a fit when I would attempt to latch him. My first thought: nursing strike. I wish that was all it was. I am now thinking that he self-weaned. Here is where my heartbreak comes in. 

I thought we would make 1 year. I thought he would be fine with the transition and we would go on about our business... At one year. But all of a sudden, I went from having a baby that refused all bottles and would rarely drink breastmilk out of his cup... To one that will only accept (cold) breastmilk from a cup. He wants nothing to do with nursing any longer. For anyone that has breastfed a baby, they know how heartbreaking that can be. It almost feels as if you are being rejected as a person. I provided his only life sustaining nourishment for 6 months of his life. Once we introduced solids, I then continued to provide his main source of nutrition. Now, he doesn't need me to do that anymore. Or so it seems. I still pump and I am continuing to provide for him, but I have lost that connection with him. I lost it quickly and without warning... And not on my terms as I assumed I would. 

Honestly, my heart is broken. I have shed many a tear over this situation. All that said, I'm trying to come to terms with it.   I'm sad, yet I am still very proud of us. We stuck through something that isn't easy for 11 whole months. We worked through teething. We worked through crazy distracted stages. We worked through nursing gymnastics stages. We did it together and I will always have those memories of nursing this little baby, just as I do with Kenzie. I am going to try my hardest to reflect on those happy, loving moments when I get upset about how it all ended. I know I did what I felt was best for him and gave him so much of me for those 11 months. I'm just going to miss it. I must sound crazy to anyone that I "complained" to that I couldn't be awake in Will for more than a couple hours at a time because of his refusal of bottles or pumped milk. It's so difficult to explain my sadness about this. It's hard for me to think that about 4 days ago I nursed my baby for the last time and I didn't get a chance to process the weaning stage before it just happened. 

I'm just going to try to remember all the good I have done (and continue to do by pumping) and be proud of myself and Will. I can't believe my nursing days are over for now.. Who knows what the future will bring? I do know, however, that if this is our last baby, I am so very proud of what we accomplished. 


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