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A Letter to Sleep

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Dear 18 Month Sleep Regression,

I see you have decided your reservation time has arrived. Since you seem to think you need to be here for a while, I think we need to get a few things straight... I will make this list as short and sweet as possible since you probably have difficulty concentrating on it due to the lack of sleep you are causing in this house.

1. You are early. No one invited you this early. I would say you decided to check in about a month too soon. Way to not pay attention to the itinerary.

2. Your stay is not long-term. Please don't forget that. We are a house... not a motel. We don't offer free HBO and if you try to switch rooms, well, just don't.

3. If you think showing up at this point is okay because you spared us having to have your cousin, 9 Months, stay in our home just a few short months ago, you are wrong. It's not cool. Your cousin wasn't actually welcome here and neither are you. By the way, if you see your Uncle 4 Months, tell him he is my least favorite. He showed up twice. Once about 3 years ago and again about 2 years later. He is no friend of mine.

4. When you decide to make it a boys weekend and bring along your friend Wonder Week at the same time, I'm done. Party foul, dude.

5. If you think the crying as a protest before bed is going to break me, you are wrong. If you think that the screaming that occurs when we put on pjs because your gracious host thinks he is going to bed right that minute is going to be my downfall, you are sadly mistaken. I'm pretty good at ignoring it. I am strong-willed and I am not doing this with you. Bring it on...

Remember to check the drawers and closet before you leave because if you leave anything behind, I'm burning it.

Sincerely,
Momma, General Manager


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