I've been spending a lot of time lately, as Kenzie nears her first birthday, thinking about and reflecting on something that has been a staple of my life for the last (almost) 12 months. Breastfeeding. I wanted to share my thoughts on the subject since it is something that has been so relevant in my (and our family's) life for so long now. I am also working through some mixed emotions myself related to breastfeeding (or nursing as I use them interchangeably) that I will mention later.
First, I feel I should tell our breastfeeding story. That's right. We have a "story". I'm sure all first time, and maybe some second, third, or more time, moms do. Ours had a very rocky beginning as I hear a lot of these stories do. Anyone who reads our blog probably knows that Kenzie was born at 37 weeks via a C Section. I should stop here and tell you that this was never my "plan." I plan a lot. I'm a bit OCD when it comes to planning and when things don't go how I envision, I tend to become overwhelmed and frustrated fairly easily. Add on pregnancy hormones and you have a recipe for disaster. It all started when my blood pressure began to climb suddenly. I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension as I had never had any issues prior to that and we decided (the doctor and I because Steven was unfortunately at work for what I thought would be a routine visit) that it would be best to deliver Kenzie as soon as possible for my safety and hers. Wouldn't you know it though that my stubborn little girl decided to also turn frank breech last minute. Based on my new medical dilemma, we decided that in lieu of turning her or waiting her out to see if she would turn on her own (spinningbabies.com wasn't in my future), we would go for the c section. All my plans for a natural, unmedicated childbirth went out the window. I wasn't willing to risk my daughter's safety though just to follow through with my "plan". So, without warning, and without the beginning of any contractions, Kenzie came into the world 3 weeks early. I have since learned through my obsessive research that there seems to be a link between moms that have c sections without going into labor and difficulties beginning breastfeeding. Apparently, although breastfeeding is "started" when the placenta detaches, those women that never labor still tend to have their milk come in much later than their laboring counterparts. I wish I would have known that before. Oh well. Hindsight is 20/20 and I know for next time should it come to that again.
Regardless, I had a dream to breastfeed. I had gone to all the classes. I had practiced the holds. I had bought nursing bras and nursing pads. I was ready. I thought...
Right after Kenzie was born, I was lucky to be having her in an amazing hospital that is considered "baby friendly" meaning that they have to allow skin to skin contact as quickly after birth as possible. Yes, that is much quicker with a natural birth but for me it happened within about 20-30 minutes of her being delivered. My doctors were great and they had me out of the OR and meeting Steven and Kenzie in recovery very quickly. I immediately got down to business. A nurse came by to try to help me get Kenzie to latch. She seemed to do okay but newborn babies like to sleep. A lot. She didn't want to wake up to actively nurse and I didn't know enough to know whether anything was happening in the way of breastfeeding. I was also still in new baby bliss and just wanted to stare at her little face anyway so I don't remember a lot of what happened at that point other than I thought she was nursing. We continued to nurse for the next 24 hours. We would wake her up every 2 hours and just try to keep her awake long enough to nurse. It wasn't the most pleasant experience. I wasn't so much prepared for that. I envisioned this blissful state of breastfeeding where she would latch on instinctively and my milk would feed her. We would both sit and enjoy the act of breastfeeding. Not so much the case. It HURT. I didn't want to give up though. So, we trudged onward. After 24 hours, we were told that Kenzie was dropped weight and doing so fairly quickly. Yes, I know this is common in c section babies because of the IV fluids that go through mom and into baby. I'm aware. As a first time mom though, you sometimes freak out. I did at least. I refused to give Kenzie a bottle though for fear of nipple confusion and it causing me to throw my entire vision of how perfect breastfeeding would be out the window. I lucked out that they sent in the best lactation consultant I have ever met. Okay, I've only met one, but she was fabulous. After crying to her for quite some time and showing her how we were breastfeeding, she left the room and came back with a few things. She brought the hospital pump. I had my own but this was much stronger. She brought a nipple shield and something called an SNS system. This thing was fabulous. The goal was for me to pump and add any colostrum I had to the SNS system for Kenzie to be able to nurse and KNOW that she was getting something. I went to pumping... nothing happened. Not even one miniscule drop. I started to freak out. I didn't know at the time that because of the c section it could take longer for milk to come in. I didn't know that some people don't respond as well as others to pumps or that pumping can sometimes take some time to get used to in order to have your body react appropriately. I instead opted to continue to pump after every feeding and in the mean time to use formula in the SNS. The cool thing about an SNS is that it allows you to nurse a baby but either see what they are getting or supplement without the use of a bottle. A lot of adoptive moms and moms that physically can't breastfeed apparently choose to use one. We would continue to wake Kenzie up every two hours, fill the SNS, breastfeed, pump, and then go back to sleep. It was exhausting, but I was willing to do whatever I needed in order to continue to breastfeed my child. Slowly, Kenzie began to gain weight. We stayed in the hospital an extra day because of Kenzie's jaundice which was related to her weight loss and not getting enough milk to begin with. On our last day there I will never forget the excitement when I pumped and FINALLY got that liquid gold. We went home and continued on the same schedule.
After you bring a baby home, you have to visit the pediatrician. So, we did. Kenzie had lost some more weight since checking out and the doctor advised me to supplement just to get her weight up and fight the jaundice. I asked if I was pumping, should I use what I pump. She is pro breastfeeding and loved the fact that I was pumping until we could figure out how to increase her weight. So, we did. Instead of formula in the SNS, we added breastmilk. Then, I threw caution to the wind and introduced a bottle of breastmilk. I figured it we had problems, I would exclusively pump as long as possible and bottle feed. Once Kenzie's weight went up I stopped with the bottle and SNS. Kenzie still used the nipple shield which added another element of difficulties to our breastfeeding relationship. I had to always have one with me. I had to take the time to try to attach it before latching her then I had to keep an eye on it all during her nursing to make sure it didn't come off or anything. I also read a lot about it. Probably too much. I read that it can cause your supply to have issues and people that use them tend to not make it very long before having to move to formula. I spent a LOT of time online trying to read tips for how to wean from it. Looking for success stories of women who used it. Making sure I knew ways to up my supply if it came to that. I was a mess. That doesn't help when you want to breastfeed. At 10 weeks old (I will never forget the moment), Kenzie finally latched without the shield. I couldn't reach it. She was fussing and I didn't have time to locate it and wash it before latching her and so I just shoved her on. We never looked back. Learning to breastfeed without the shield was like learning all over again. The pain was unbearable. Anyone who has considered breastfeeding has probably heard the saying that "if it hurts, you are doing something wrong". That's not entirely true. At the beginning, even if you are doing everything perfect... it hurts. It just does. You have a baby sucking as hard as they can on your nipple. It's not comfortable. Eventually the pain subsides and you become used to it. For the next 6 or so months I continued to worry from time to time about my supply. I would make sure to feed Kenzie every so often even if she didn't seem hungry. I don't even know Kenzie's hunger cues because I never let her get to that. She seemed happy though and was growing wonderfully. I pumped occasionally even when it wasn't necessary to make sure to keep my supply up. Kenzie rarely gets bottles because I am a stay at home mom but she takes them fine if she needs them.
Now, as we come up on Kenzie's first birthday, we breastfeed 4 times a day. Sometimes she nurses at night if she wakes up and can't settle herself back to sleep. I don't even think twice about it now. We just do it. I nurse in public, though I almost always use a cover just because I prefer to. I have no issues with women who do or don't. I wouldn't want to have to eat with a blanket over my head in a restaurant so I can understand the reason for nursing uncovered. I just prefer to because Kenzie gets distracted easily and we would never get anything done if she wasn't covered most of the time.
I had this plan to breastfeed for one year, then wean. While I still plan to begin the weaning process very soon, I'm having some mixed feelings. I didn't realize that I enjoyed the time we spend with Kenzie nursing until I started thinking that it would be ending soon. I have decided that we might keep her night nursing session a little longer than planned. I am ready to have my body back somewhat though. I'm ready to wear a regular bra. That's something you take for granted until you can't do it anymore. It's bittersweet. We have essentially made our goal. Well, my goal. I did give formula briefly but we never stopped breastfeeding and have been exclusively breastfeeding (okay, plus solids since 5 1/2 months), with the exception of about 4 days. I'm so proud of both of us. I'm sad too. We will see who deals with the weaning process better. I think it is going to be Kenzie.
I've said all this because I wanted to recap our breastfeeding relationship but I want to make sure to point out that I have nothing against formula. Any woman who has been pregnant has probably seen or been a part of a "breast is best" debate. I honestly believe though that any method of feeding a baby is beautiful. Breast or formula, it doesn't matter. Before you judge (if you plan to do so), just know that you don't know the person's situation. I fully support breastfeeding. I also fully support formula feeding. If I had to do it, I would have. A fed baby is a beautiful baby.
I'm sad. I'm happy. I'm ready to wean. I want to keep our evening nursing session. I want to wear a regular bra. I want to make sure my baby has everything she needs to be a healthy child. Our journey, like so many others, was very difficult at times and I had doubts over and over again. I wouldn't change a moment of it. I learned so much and I plan on applying all my knowledge whenever we have another child. Kenzie has taught me so much. I know that I gave her my all. I'm proud of both of us.
First, I feel I should tell our breastfeeding story. That's right. We have a "story". I'm sure all first time, and maybe some second, third, or more time, moms do. Ours had a very rocky beginning as I hear a lot of these stories do. Anyone who reads our blog probably knows that Kenzie was born at 37 weeks via a C Section. I should stop here and tell you that this was never my "plan." I plan a lot. I'm a bit OCD when it comes to planning and when things don't go how I envision, I tend to become overwhelmed and frustrated fairly easily. Add on pregnancy hormones and you have a recipe for disaster. It all started when my blood pressure began to climb suddenly. I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension as I had never had any issues prior to that and we decided (the doctor and I because Steven was unfortunately at work for what I thought would be a routine visit) that it would be best to deliver Kenzie as soon as possible for my safety and hers. Wouldn't you know it though that my stubborn little girl decided to also turn frank breech last minute. Based on my new medical dilemma, we decided that in lieu of turning her or waiting her out to see if she would turn on her own (spinningbabies.com wasn't in my future), we would go for the c section. All my plans for a natural, unmedicated childbirth went out the window. I wasn't willing to risk my daughter's safety though just to follow through with my "plan". So, without warning, and without the beginning of any contractions, Kenzie came into the world 3 weeks early. I have since learned through my obsessive research that there seems to be a link between moms that have c sections without going into labor and difficulties beginning breastfeeding. Apparently, although breastfeeding is "started" when the placenta detaches, those women that never labor still tend to have their milk come in much later than their laboring counterparts. I wish I would have known that before. Oh well. Hindsight is 20/20 and I know for next time should it come to that again.
Regardless, I had a dream to breastfeed. I had gone to all the classes. I had practiced the holds. I had bought nursing bras and nursing pads. I was ready. I thought...
Right after Kenzie was born, I was lucky to be having her in an amazing hospital that is considered "baby friendly" meaning that they have to allow skin to skin contact as quickly after birth as possible. Yes, that is much quicker with a natural birth but for me it happened within about 20-30 minutes of her being delivered. My doctors were great and they had me out of the OR and meeting Steven and Kenzie in recovery very quickly. I immediately got down to business. A nurse came by to try to help me get Kenzie to latch. She seemed to do okay but newborn babies like to sleep. A lot. She didn't want to wake up to actively nurse and I didn't know enough to know whether anything was happening in the way of breastfeeding. I was also still in new baby bliss and just wanted to stare at her little face anyway so I don't remember a lot of what happened at that point other than I thought she was nursing. We continued to nurse for the next 24 hours. We would wake her up every 2 hours and just try to keep her awake long enough to nurse. It wasn't the most pleasant experience. I wasn't so much prepared for that. I envisioned this blissful state of breastfeeding where she would latch on instinctively and my milk would feed her. We would both sit and enjoy the act of breastfeeding. Not so much the case. It HURT. I didn't want to give up though. So, we trudged onward. After 24 hours, we were told that Kenzie was dropped weight and doing so fairly quickly. Yes, I know this is common in c section babies because of the IV fluids that go through mom and into baby. I'm aware. As a first time mom though, you sometimes freak out. I did at least. I refused to give Kenzie a bottle though for fear of nipple confusion and it causing me to throw my entire vision of how perfect breastfeeding would be out the window. I lucked out that they sent in the best lactation consultant I have ever met. Okay, I've only met one, but she was fabulous. After crying to her for quite some time and showing her how we were breastfeeding, she left the room and came back with a few things. She brought the hospital pump. I had my own but this was much stronger. She brought a nipple shield and something called an SNS system. This thing was fabulous. The goal was for me to pump and add any colostrum I had to the SNS system for Kenzie to be able to nurse and KNOW that she was getting something. I went to pumping... nothing happened. Not even one miniscule drop. I started to freak out. I didn't know at the time that because of the c section it could take longer for milk to come in. I didn't know that some people don't respond as well as others to pumps or that pumping can sometimes take some time to get used to in order to have your body react appropriately. I instead opted to continue to pump after every feeding and in the mean time to use formula in the SNS. The cool thing about an SNS is that it allows you to nurse a baby but either see what they are getting or supplement without the use of a bottle. A lot of adoptive moms and moms that physically can't breastfeed apparently choose to use one. We would continue to wake Kenzie up every two hours, fill the SNS, breastfeed, pump, and then go back to sleep. It was exhausting, but I was willing to do whatever I needed in order to continue to breastfeed my child. Slowly, Kenzie began to gain weight. We stayed in the hospital an extra day because of Kenzie's jaundice which was related to her weight loss and not getting enough milk to begin with. On our last day there I will never forget the excitement when I pumped and FINALLY got that liquid gold. We went home and continued on the same schedule.
After you bring a baby home, you have to visit the pediatrician. So, we did. Kenzie had lost some more weight since checking out and the doctor advised me to supplement just to get her weight up and fight the jaundice. I asked if I was pumping, should I use what I pump. She is pro breastfeeding and loved the fact that I was pumping until we could figure out how to increase her weight. So, we did. Instead of formula in the SNS, we added breastmilk. Then, I threw caution to the wind and introduced a bottle of breastmilk. I figured it we had problems, I would exclusively pump as long as possible and bottle feed. Once Kenzie's weight went up I stopped with the bottle and SNS. Kenzie still used the nipple shield which added another element of difficulties to our breastfeeding relationship. I had to always have one with me. I had to take the time to try to attach it before latching her then I had to keep an eye on it all during her nursing to make sure it didn't come off or anything. I also read a lot about it. Probably too much. I read that it can cause your supply to have issues and people that use them tend to not make it very long before having to move to formula. I spent a LOT of time online trying to read tips for how to wean from it. Looking for success stories of women who used it. Making sure I knew ways to up my supply if it came to that. I was a mess. That doesn't help when you want to breastfeed. At 10 weeks old (I will never forget the moment), Kenzie finally latched without the shield. I couldn't reach it. She was fussing and I didn't have time to locate it and wash it before latching her and so I just shoved her on. We never looked back. Learning to breastfeed without the shield was like learning all over again. The pain was unbearable. Anyone who has considered breastfeeding has probably heard the saying that "if it hurts, you are doing something wrong". That's not entirely true. At the beginning, even if you are doing everything perfect... it hurts. It just does. You have a baby sucking as hard as they can on your nipple. It's not comfortable. Eventually the pain subsides and you become used to it. For the next 6 or so months I continued to worry from time to time about my supply. I would make sure to feed Kenzie every so often even if she didn't seem hungry. I don't even know Kenzie's hunger cues because I never let her get to that. She seemed happy though and was growing wonderfully. I pumped occasionally even when it wasn't necessary to make sure to keep my supply up. Kenzie rarely gets bottles because I am a stay at home mom but she takes them fine if she needs them.
Now, as we come up on Kenzie's first birthday, we breastfeed 4 times a day. Sometimes she nurses at night if she wakes up and can't settle herself back to sleep. I don't even think twice about it now. We just do it. I nurse in public, though I almost always use a cover just because I prefer to. I have no issues with women who do or don't. I wouldn't want to have to eat with a blanket over my head in a restaurant so I can understand the reason for nursing uncovered. I just prefer to because Kenzie gets distracted easily and we would never get anything done if she wasn't covered most of the time.
I had this plan to breastfeed for one year, then wean. While I still plan to begin the weaning process very soon, I'm having some mixed feelings. I didn't realize that I enjoyed the time we spend with Kenzie nursing until I started thinking that it would be ending soon. I have decided that we might keep her night nursing session a little longer than planned. I am ready to have my body back somewhat though. I'm ready to wear a regular bra. That's something you take for granted until you can't do it anymore. It's bittersweet. We have essentially made our goal. Well, my goal. I did give formula briefly but we never stopped breastfeeding and have been exclusively breastfeeding (okay, plus solids since 5 1/2 months), with the exception of about 4 days. I'm so proud of both of us. I'm sad too. We will see who deals with the weaning process better. I think it is going to be Kenzie.
I've said all this because I wanted to recap our breastfeeding relationship but I want to make sure to point out that I have nothing against formula. Any woman who has been pregnant has probably seen or been a part of a "breast is best" debate. I honestly believe though that any method of feeding a baby is beautiful. Breast or formula, it doesn't matter. Before you judge (if you plan to do so), just know that you don't know the person's situation. I fully support breastfeeding. I also fully support formula feeding. If I had to do it, I would have. A fed baby is a beautiful baby.
I'm sad. I'm happy. I'm ready to wean. I want to keep our evening nursing session. I want to wear a regular bra. I want to make sure my baby has everything she needs to be a healthy child. Our journey, like so many others, was very difficult at times and I had doubts over and over again. I wouldn't change a moment of it. I learned so much and I plan on applying all my knowledge whenever we have another child. Kenzie has taught me so much. I know that I gave her my all. I'm proud of both of us.
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